Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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