I got chris browned last night
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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