Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
