I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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