he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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