I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
