That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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