A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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