I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
