i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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