Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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