First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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