worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
