im drinking this country out of the recession.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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