i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
