you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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