i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize