weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
