I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
