then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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