First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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