Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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