Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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