i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
