i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
