our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
