i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
