My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize