I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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