Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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