no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
