you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
