It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
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