and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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