This beer is not sobering me up at all
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Even my vagina gasped.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
