When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
