I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
