anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
