just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
