So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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