You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize