Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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