I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
