you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
