basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
