I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
