U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
