I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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