I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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