i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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