The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
