I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
