So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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