Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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