he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
