I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
