I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize