i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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