My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
