My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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