Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
