The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
