i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
