Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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